A Bad Day for Burgers
by NoOneToBlame
Summary: Stan, Kyle, and Craig find a secret passage that leads them to a secret world where they must stop three evil men from destroying a magical kingdom. Warning: Contains slash, foul language, cross dressing, and violence. I do not own South Park.


I could hear my heart beat in my ears as I ran faster and faster. I tried to ignore the ever growing stitch in my side and the heaviness that was starting to weigh down my legs.

_Creak._

The sudden noise caused me to stop in my tracks; I looked around but saw only darkness.  
"Dammit." I muttered quietly. I then heard a low growl in the darkness and I started running again, I was so afraid of the noise that I barely even noticed how my lungs felt like they were about to explode and how my legs felt even more like Jell-O.

"Got you!" A voice called before I found myself being tackled to the ground. I started laughing when I found myself looking into the face of my super best friend, he always knew how to scare me when we played this game in the dark, I should have been used to it by now.

"You got me." I said with fake disappointment.  
"Where are Kenny and Cartman?" I then asked.

"They left to go to get burgers or something, Cartman told us that we better not be having sex when he gets back." Stan answered.

"Sick dude!" I replied.

"I know; the burgers around here are the worst." Stan replied with a wink. I let out a noise that sounded between a cough and a snort which caused Stan to give me a funny look. He opened his mouth to say something but he was soon interrupted by Craig who growled at him and flipped him off.

"What are you doing here Craig?" Stan asked warily.

"This is my secret hide out; you fags can have your secret rendezvous somewhere else." Craig replied with his arms crossed over his lean chest.

"We were here first." I demanded with a glare. How dare he just kick us out like that? This was public property.

"I was here first; I growled at you and made you run like a scared little kitten." Craig said with a snort.  
"That wasn't you?" I asked looking at Stan in shock. He replied by shaking his head and glaring at Craig.

"Where's the rest of your posse?" Craig asked looking around.

"I could ask you the same thing." I said.

"I don't need to be around my friends twenty-four seven unlike you two fags, I know you two are together, everyone knows, why don't you just admit it?" Craig demands with his steel grey eyes narrowed into slits.

"We aren't…" I started to say when I felt Stan's warm wet lips against my own in a long, passionate, slightly awkward kiss.

"We have sex in here every night, if you're not careful you might step in some of our semen." Stan said after our kiss had broken, I could tell that he was trying his hardest not to laugh.

"Fine, you can have this stupid place; I will find somewhere else to hang out." Craig muttered. It might have been my imagination, but I could have sworn I heard a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Craig, wait, Stan's joking, you can stay, we'll take one half of the tunnel and you can take the other." I found myself saying.

"Thanks." Craig muttered. When I started walking back over to Stan, I was surprised to find that Craig was following me.  
"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I don't want to be alone." Craig said quietly, I could tell that he was blushing even though it was pitch black.

"Why? Are you afraid of the big bad monster?" Stan asked in a babyish voice.

"Shut up." I muttered punching his arm lightly.

"Ow!" Stan explained; he didn't hit me back though, which both relieved and kind of pissed me off. Ever since I stopped growing right after my eleventh birthday, he and Kenny and some other kids I didn't know treated me like a fragile child. I figured at fifteen I would have been at least over five feet or even six feet like Stan or Craig but I wasn't.

"Fear for a fear?" Craig asked after a few minutes of silence except for Stan's heavy breathing.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You tell me something you fear and I'll tell you something I fear." Craig replied.

"You first." Stan said to Craig.

"No, how do I know you're going to hold up your end of the bargain? This will be just like the pan flute incident." Craig argued.

"Fine, I'm afraid of guns." Stan said with a sigh.

"I'm afraid of my mother." I said.

"Tell us something we don't know." Craig and Stan said in unison.

"Um, I'm afraid of becoming disfigured." I said.

"Fair enough, I'm afraid of the dark." Craig said causing Stan to let out a light chuckle. Craig was about to say something back when a bright light suddenly appeared in front of us, a few moments later it disappeared and in its place was another tunnel.

"That wasn't here before." I gasped out.

"We should explore it." Craig said trying to sound brave after his confession earlier.

"Are you sure? What if it's not safe?" I asked.

"Yea, what if has a snake in there or something?" Stan added.

"Are you chicken?" Craig asked as he started walking ahead of us towards the tunnel. I growled under my breath and started following him with Stan walking uneasily at my heels. I took a deep breath and entered the tunnel; it seemed to go on for miles until we found a small wooden door at the end. I moved closer to the door, deciding whether I should open it or not when the door opened by itself and an invisible force pushed us forward. The first thing I felt when I started to stand up was severe burning pain that felt like it was ripping my skin off. I could barely hear anything over the sound of someone wailing like they were in serious pain, it took me a few moments to realise that the pain was coming from me.

"Stan! Craig!" I cried out after I was finally able to make my voice create words. I was about to get angry, angry that they shoved me into this room and locked me out when I heard Stan's heavy breathing.

"So many guns, can you hear that?" He gasped out when I put my hand on his shoulder. I shook my head; I couldn't hear anything except his breathing and my heart beating in my ears.

"Where's Craig?" I asked.

"I'm right here, it's so dark." Craig said with a shiver.

"It looks normal to me, I mean I can see guns everywhere, the whole ground is covered with them, all I can hear besides you guys are guns, are you telling me that you can't hear or see them?" Stan said.

"No, just turn on a light or something." Craig said irritably. As soon as Stan flipped on his torch and shined it in our faces I suddenly found myself wishing he didn't.

"Oh my gosh." He muttered and he and Craig started screaming bloody murder.

"What's going on?" I asked; annoyed that I couldn't see what they were screaming at.

"Your eyes, they've been burned out, your face, it-it…" Stan started trailing off.

"What are you talking about?" I asked with panic in my voice.

"It looks like someone threw acid on you, you're totally ugly dude." Craig answered.

"This can't be happening." I muttered out. I was too upset to even wonder how I was still alive and able to talk and move.

"You're no longer on the earth you know, you are in another dimension, in another time, I can fix your face but I can never fix your sight." A voice suddenly boomed out.

"Who are you? Why did you do this to me?" I asked angrily.

"It was a test, to make sure you could survive your worst fears, I have a secret mission for you." The man replied.

"I don't want to do a stupid mission, I want to go home." Craig said definitely.

"The tunnels found you, you three are the chosen ones; this is your destiny." The man said sternly.

"What if I don't want this to be my destiny?" Craig demanded.

"Then I can send you to a world where there is total darkness, I can send you friend Stan where guns are all the people know, and your friend Kyle can have the face he has now for the rest of his life." The man replied.

"I'm in." Stan and I said in unison.

"Fine." Craig grumbled a few minutes later. Not too long after, the man said a few words and I could feel as my face started to go back to normal, on the downside, I still couldn't see.

"The guns are gone." Stan said breathing out a sigh of relief.

"It's light again." Craig added.

"Now it's time for me to tell you the quest that you must do." The man started.

"The king is expecting to see his daughter that he has never met so he can train her to take over the throne for him when he passes, however, his real daughter was killed on her journey up here so I need one of you to pretend to be his daughter."

"Why not find a girl to do this?" Stan asked.

"You are the only children around his daughter's age who has been here in hundreds of years, if the tunnel had chosen a girl to come here then I would have picked a girl." The man explained.

"Why has he never met his daughter?" I asked.

"He sent his wife away just before she gave birth to keep them safe, there are many people there who wanted them dead, now that they're gone; the king wants his daughter back."

"What about the wife?" Stan asked.

"She died from tuberculosis a month earlier which is another reason why the king wants his daughter back.

"Who will be the daughter?" Stan asked. The man looked us over and then grabbed my arm.

"You're the only one, who will do, when I first saw you, I wasn't sure if you were a boy or a girl until your friend asked why I didn't choose any girls.

"Not cool." I said trying to keep the anger out of my voice. The man chuckled and said a few words and I soon found myself standing in a long gown that Stan said looked like one of the dresses from the 1700s that we always saw in our History books. What surprised me the most was how my hair was in loose curls down to my waist.

"Am I a girl?" I asked warily.

"No, I can only change hair length, fix scars and blemishes, and change clothes but I can't change gender or anything like that." The man said.

"What do we have to do?" Craig asked in a bored tone.

"You will be the suitors of the princess; you two will compete against three other men to win the hand of your friend here." The man replied.

"So I'm just going to be on display while a bunch of meatheads fight over me?" I asked crossing my arms across my chest.

"Yes, but the king will choose for you, you will not be able to choose yourself." The man said.

"What happens to the losers?" Stan asked with a hint of fear in his voice.  
"The losers will compete to be the princess's servant, the losers after that will be exiled from the kingdom, never to return."

"What do you need us for?" Craig asked.

"I need the little one to try to influence the king's choice to pick one of you, I need you and your other friend to try your hardest to win; the other suitors are evil men who want nothing more than to destroy the kingdom." The man answered.  
"Why don't you just tell the king they're bad?" I asked.

"Because, the king has exiled me, I betrayed him a long time ago and this is my chance to make it right, I have anonymously called someone here to pick you up; I want to wish you all good luck and good day." The man said before he disappeared in a puff of smoke.


End file.
